I often feel I have no business writing about infertility, because my struggle has been secondary infertility, and I have two sons from my first marriage. I'm fighting my fears, though, because today I have witnessed such pain amongst friends on my social media sites. Friends feeling empty and lonely. Friends who have no children to wrap presents for. Friends who have been pregnant but lost the babies they should be spoiling on their first holiday. Friends who have exited their initial infertility battle with a babe in arms, but who still feel traumatized by the journey they've been on. Friends who may never have the opportunity to grow their families they way they long to.
It matters not how long your infertility struggle has been, or what your journey has been like; if you haven't been able to build your family the way you want, it is completely understandable that today hurts. Even if you have a child running around the tree, you may ache for the other ones you lost, or the ones you can never have. I have longed for a large family since I was a young girl. I dreamed of having baby after baby. I wished for twins more than anything. These dreams have not come true. Though I do have my boys, it will never stop hurting that S and I cannot have a baby together in the way we wanted. It will always hurt that we lost our one pregnancy after four years of trying. We will always look around on Christmas, and wish we had more children. Such is our lot.
I have no words of wisdom and I can't heal hearts. I sat down to write tonight with one mission only- to tell those who are hurting this holiday that you are are not alone. Your pain is valid. Your struggle is not unseen. I know you're crying in your bathroom after your sister-in-law announced another pregnancy. I recognize your jealousy of the beautiful big bellies you see at church. I share your pangs when you gaze upon My First Christmas onesies.
Please know you are cared for. Please allow yourself the full range of emotions coursing through you. You needn't suffer alone. There are so many of us. If we all reach out, there are surely enough arms to catch everyone. XO